Can you hear your compa ion? It's time to crank it up.
One of the most difficult challenges we face in our quest to be compa ionate is dealing with conflict. Those we love most tend to be the ones most likely to engage us in arring that cuts the deepest.
Why do we allow ourselves to use our harshest words and most acid tone of voice with the people we love most?
Precisely because we love them most. We're counting on unconditional love. We know we are likely to be forgiven. We feel close enough to let our true ugline shine.
Blindingly.
We wouldn't dream of lashing out at our colleagues at work in this way. That would be way too risky. I tead, we bottle our daily frustration and dump it all over our loved ones when we get home.
Many of my clients struggle with showing compa ion for their partners, children and parents when they are feeling stre ed. I tead of relaxing into affection, they re ond to requests or confrontation with anger.
Most frustrating of all is the fact that, while they are lashing out, they recognize that they are alienating those with whom they most want to feel a co ection and find comfort. It's as though they are watching themselves lob grenades but are powerle to stop.
One of the best--and easiest to remember--triggers for changing behavior is thinking of a particular song phrase. I teach clients to use the "ch-ch-chain" part of Aretha Franklin's "Chain of Fools" to kick off a remarkably simple visualization exercise that is very effective in diffusing escalating conflict. It's based on a traditional loving-kindne meditation, but it's a lot more fun!
Visualize a chain of hearts--an extended valentine, if you will--co ecting your heart to theirs. Remember that you are linked by this shared affection.
In our best moments, we do whatever we can to protect our loved ones from pain. If this person had an injury or illne , you would be gentle, soothing and kind, right? You've probably ent hours caring for this individual with great tenderne .
Tap into that.
Look at the chain of hearts. Your sharp words slash through that chain like a machete. STOP. Let the words drop away as you focus on that co ection. Feel your anger and frustration being replaced by compa ion.
"Ch-ch-chay-ay-ay-ay-ain...." It's hard to stay cranky while mentally chanting the "ch-ch-chain" mantra and visualizing that valentine.
Can't feel the love? Try another Aretha Franklin song. I tead of focusing on that ch-ch-chain of hearts, dive into "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" and replace that poison in your words with civility.
Not into Aretha? Pick your own song. Let your mental radio play, and use it to crank up your compa ion.
[Bah-oomp] Makes me feel like A Natural Woman...
About The Author
Maya Talisman Frost is a mind ma euse offering ecialized mindfulne training in Portland, Oregon. Her work has i ired thinkers in over 90 countries. To su cribe to her free weekly ezine, the Friday Mind Ma age, visit http://mindma euse.com.
maya@mindma euse.com
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