Emotional dependency mea getting ones good feelings from outside oneself. It mea needing to get filled from outside rather than from within. Who or what do you believe is re o ible for your emotional wellbeing?
There are numerous forms of emotional dependency:
- Dependence on su tances, such as food, drugs, or alcohol, to fill emptine and take away pain.
- Dependency on proce es such as ending, gambling, or TV, also to fill emptine and take away pain.
- Dependence on money to define ones worth and adequacy.
- Dependence on getting someones love, a roval, or attention to feel worthy, adequate, lovable, and safe.
- Dependence on sex to fill emptine and feel adequate.
When you do not take re o ibility for defining your own adequacy and worth or for creating your own i er se e of safety, you will seek to feel adequate, worthy and safe externally. Whatever you do not give to yourself, you may seek from others or from su tances or proce es. Emotional dependency is the o osite of taking personal re o ibility for ones emotional wellbeing. Yet many people have no idea that this is their re o ibility, nor do they have any idea how to take this re o ibility.
What does it mean to take emotional re o ibility rather than be emotionally dependent?
Primarily, it mea recognizing that our feelings come from our own thoughts, beliefs and behavior, rather than from others or from circumstances. Once you understand and accept that you create your own feelings, rather than your feelings coming from outside yourself, then you can begin to take emotional re o ibility.
For example, lets say someone you care about gets angry at you.
If you are emotionally dependent, you may feel rejected and believe that your feelings of rejection are coming from the others anger. You might also feel hurt, scared, anxious, inadequate, shamed, angry, blaming, or many other difficult feeling in re o e to the others anger. You might try many ways of getting the other person to not be angry in an effort to feel better.
However, if you are emotionally re o ible, you will feel and re ond entirely differently. The first thing you might do is to tell yourself that another perso anger has nothing to do with you. Perha that person is having a bad day and is taking it out on you. Perha that person is feeling hurt or inadequate and is trying to be one-up by putting you one-down. Whatever the reason for the others anger, it is about them rather than about you. An emotionally re o ible person does not take others behavior personally, knowing that we have no control over others feelings and behavior, and that we do not cause others to feel and behave the way they do - that others are re o ible for their feelings and behavior just as we are for ours.
The next thing an emotionally re o ible person might do is move into compa ion for the angry person, and open to learning about what is going on with the other person. For example, you might say, I dont like your anger, but I am willing to understand what is u etting you. Would you like to talk about it? If the person refuses to stop being angry, or if you know ahead of time that this person is not going to open up, then as an emotionally re o ible person, you would take loving action in your own behalf. For example, you might say, Im unwilling to be at the other end of your anger. When you are ready to be open with me, let me know. Meanwhile, Im going to take a walk (or hang up the phone, or leave the restaurant, or go into the other room, and so on). An emotionally re o ible person gets out of range of attack rather than tries to change the other person.
Once out of range, the emotionally re o ible person goes i ide and explores any painful feelings that might have resulted from the attack. For example, perha you are feeling lonely as a result of being attacked. An emotionally re o ible person embraces the feelings of loneline with understanding and compa ion, holding them just as you would hold a sad child. When you acknowledge and embrace the feelings of loneline , you allow them to move through you quickly, so you can move back into peace.
Rather than being a victim of the others behavior, you have taken emotional re o ibility for yourself. I tead of staying stuck in feeling angry, hurt, blaming, afraid, anxious or inadequate, you have moved yourself back into feeling safe and peaceful.
When you realize that your feelings are your re o ibility, you can move out of emotional dependency. This will make a huge difference within you and with all of your relatio hi . Relatio hi thrive when each person moves out of emotional dependency and into emotional re o ibility.
About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful I er Bonding healing proce . Learn I er Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE I er Bonding course: http://www.i erbonding.com or mailto:margaret@i erbonding.com. Phone se io available.
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